Years ago I tended to ignore the snobbish father fucking pricks that thought they were amazing at a game of softball because to them it wasn’t just about banging mediocre chicks and getting drunk around the diamond. No, it was about hitting the big leagues and getting into Ivory League scholarships that they give for extraordinarily gifted softball players. I lied about the last line but I probably had some d-bag thinking he had a shot. Seriously why would being awesome at softball be the “in thing” to do? It’s a game for chicks and guys that never made it but just enjoy an excuse to get drunk as fuck.
It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach lying awake 3-4 nights a week just thinking about this topic alone. My feelings could be because I was molested by request in an abandoned softball field when I was 21 and a half. Ya, I suppose those were some rough times for me but we all get through it through self-mutilation and coffee.
I know tons of guys that play softball and I am fine with them as long as they don’t come bragging about some dumb double fucking play or what a big home run they had in the ballpark. I want to hear about how Tom got drunk as fuck, jerked Matt off in the bleachers because of a case of mistaken identity because Matt has a mullet. Softball guys are the guys I want to get hammered with but sometimes there is one or two that really push my buttons until I have to tell them to seriously shut the fuck up…you only play softball. Softball turns into keggers, not fucking million dollar contracts.
I have been thinking about turning over a new leaf though and trying to go pro for shuffle board just so I could tell my grandfather to go fuck himself because all he ever amounted to was a few wins around the campground which to me is pathetic. After that I am going triple AAA in Mahjong so Asians can finally feel threaten.
To all of you Pro Softballers out there that walk and talk like you are Pro Softballers, I can give only this as advice. Softball was out after you finished gym class in high school. You didn’t make it in regular baseball which means you are in the last dying hope to be around other males that can deal with you. Be drunk, be merry, enjoy some laughs and some shit talking with other guys that play for fun.
You are probably asking what sent me off the deep end about softball. I didn’t have to be set off for this open ended response. Softball had this coming for years and I finally got around to writing my aggressive thoughts about snobbish softball players and the 37% that are actually gay. Don’t blame me for the facts, I tend to just live beyond them. You might be thinking I have one hell of an axe to grind but I can assure you that I don’t for the 61% percent of softball players that get premature testicular cancer. I am not some kind of vengeful softball haters but for 42% of bipolar players in the Northwest, they are probably saying that. Did you know that 7 out of 10 players are scared of bees? How about the 21% that are afraid of heterosexual relationships if their best friends name is Todd? There are some serious statistics out there about softball but I have no interest in them. My beef is with the elitist playing softball rather than talking shit about softball.
So if you are reading this and are starting to get a little pissed off about what I wrote then that means I just hit a little too close to home asshole. This piece was just for you honcho and I am not taking any excuses or bullshit on this topic. You know you are out of line.
Note: I like softball players because they bring beer and I like getting drunk. I don’t like the softball players that are better than me because they are awesome at softball.