Politics

Third Continental Congress Convenes

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A Third Continental Congress has convened in Birmingham, Alabama to petition Queen Elizabeth II regarding British Petroleum’s oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Recent developments, along with intelligence from the Department of Homeland Security, the Central Intelligence Agency, and Federal Bureau of Investigation have brought to light a devious scheme laid out by Great Britain to carry out terrorist activities that are meant to undermine American tourism, fisheries, and the environment in general.

Public opinion in the southern coastal region on BP  and Great Britain has turned very negative of late.  One man interviewed for this column, Bob Thibedeaux of Knotty Head, Alabama, states that he is very frustrated that “this here war with them Brits has gone on fer so long.  How could we possibly thought that fightin’ two more wars in Iraq an’ Afghanistan was a good idea when this here thang with England has been draggin’ awn for over 200 years?”

What may have seemed like the ignorant ramblings of a Gulf Coast alcoholic redneck any time during the past 200 years may be much closer to the truth than anyone thought possible.  It appears that long-hurt feelings over the American Revolution coupled with the recent decline of many European economies following the U.S. housing crunch and jealousy over pearly white teeth has finally driven our so-called ally to the brink of a British owned oil company’s self sabotage and deliberate dilly-dallying to stop the worst oil spill in decades.

A delegate from Mississippi, Congressman Willy Clampett told our interviewers that this convening of a Third Continental Congress is “serious bidness”.  This extreme measure was taken because it now appears that Great Britain is attempting to treat the U.S. like it is still a group of imperial colonies instead of a sovereign nation, maybe even worse by deliberately impeding our way of life.  “We won’t tolerate  none of this no more”, says Willy.  “We plan to work day an’ night on this petition to the queen and parliament.  Our best authors, poets, and speakers are working on a declaration as we speak.  If that doesn’t work, we will of course call up our militia”.

Attempts to reach Queen Elizabeth II went unanswered.  Many members of parliament simply scurried away in fear when approached with questions on their intent and the possibility of an upcoming war with the U.S.  Senior leaders at BP denied nothing, but simply stated that they had no comment while brandishing an evil grin.  These are troubling signs.

Things could be getting out of hand even quicker than first thought.  There have been reports of “friendly fire” incidents between the two nations both in Iraq and Afghanistan where both British and American soldiers are serving.

U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates slammed the door on our reporters while cursing wildly and uncontrollably giggling and yelling something about his ultimate war fantasy and once and for all stealing all the European women for ourselves.

It seems this story is just beginning.  We will continue to keep a close watch on the Third Continental Congress for further developments.