Opinions

My New Years Resolution

---

Most of you are probably wondering what I might want to change for 2011 and for that no one can fault you. My 2010 year was filled with moments of doubt of who I am only to be squashed by continuing to be fucking awesome. Sure perhaps that is a bit egotistical but if it wasn’t then I wouldn’t be writing for 2kgs now would I? So with bringing in the new year I have some things to live up to like having some stupid list of resolutions because I know every person I know is going to ask what they are. At least I can just send them a link to this article and tell them to leave me alone. If you are one of those people that I gave a link to and are reading this now, I hate you. For those that found this in other means, I hate you too. Now that we have gotten this out of the way, I will give you my list, but so it’s known…I don’t really want to.

2011 Resolutions

• I will try to fuck a bear. They say it can’t be done so I want to try it.
• I want to learn to speak an African language.
• I will try to be less of a dick and say hello more often to people in Albuquerque, but I still reserve the right to hate this place.
• I try to eat a new vegetable, perhaps a zucchini because they are the least gross in my mind but still phallic so perhaps I won’t.
• I might try to be a better person and not write anymore creepy articles on 2kgs, please don’t hold me to this one.
• I want to write a book for children and use a character named “Maurice the Hobo”.
• I would like to make a new website that talks only about me, it just seems 2 kgs isn’t big enough for that.
• I would like to Youtube more of myself so people can see me more.
• Facestalk someone.
• Use Facetime inappropriate more than I have in 2010.
• Audition for Modern Family if possible.
• Spend more time harassing friends through Facebook comments.
• Teach my children aggressive wit.
• Write twice as much on 2 kgs as I did in 2010.
• View Mike as straight, and Steve as a nice person.
• Find a new liking for Kangaroos and try not to think of Fosters beer as piss water.
• Learn calligraphy.
• Start smoking so I can quit then brag I accomplished something.
• Spend more time dwelling on the little things in life that don’t matter.
• Research how many Rice Krispie Treats it would take soaked with milk to make an actual bomb.
• See Linkin Park in concert.
• Sleep with Linkin Park after the concert.
• Dress like I actually have a job and not like a carefree homeless man.
• Wash my hair more than once a month. I am trying to save the environment, but I am only one man…
• Prove Global Warming actually exist so we can all move the fuck on already.
• Build a tree house so I can have some man-time.
• Try to find female comedians even a little bit funny, I can see this will be futile though.
• Find a way to play Backyard monsters a little less and try going outside more.
• Build more sandcastles since I am stuck in the middle of New Mexico, I will build thousands until you can see a faint outline of a penis from Space.
• Spray paint tumbleweeds so people can have something amusing for their drive to work.
• Try to fuck the bear again because I know they are cunning and sly and more than likely got away the first time.
• I will prove to the masses that Obama was born as a U.S. citizen just so I can stop seeing those amazingly fucking annoying Yahoo News comments about the subject.
• I will ignore any news segment about teabaggers, P Diddy, Justin Bieber.
• I will triple my current usage of porn only because I can.
• I will continue not to take Sarah Palin serious.
• I will continue to force my beliefs of Tera-forming Mars so we can begin the process in 2011.
• Perhaps buy a goldfish.
• Invent folded paper edges so people will no longer get paper cuts.
• Develop the biggest location of asinine people here at 2kgs and rival the population of Facebook. I will call it the “Kilograph”. (I coined it and I own it)
• Host a reenactment of the Hindenburg in my neighborhood and then defend myself that it was in the interest of learning history.
• Continue to be a lousy friend that doesn’t listen, heed advice, or have the ability to repeat back what you just said to me.
• Refuse mustaches an ounce of respect.
• Develop an atomic bomb that is small enough to only work on fire ants.

It’s not much but I figure it’s more than most will do. So what are your resolutions?