Opinions

David’s Seeds: Don’t be the Guy Down the Hall

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There is this guy, that works 20 feet away from me, that has this unfounded hatred for David’s Sunflower Seeds. Imagine that, being so un-American, as to not want to eat David’s (delicious) Sunflower Seeds. I confronted him, 9 days ago, about this problem, because I simply can’t just sit here, comfortably, knowing he doesn’t like these tasty treats. Every time I chomp on a handful of seeds, it makes me question his character and his manhood. The worst part about it is, he writes for this site, so hiding this article is going to be tricky, but I want the world to know, he is an absolute dick for this.

I don’t want this to be a witch hunt, but he should know that he is wrong in his decision to forsake David’s, for some inferior brand of seeds. Let’s call this guy Ike, to put a name to his face. He eats these crappy seeds called Spitz, which have barely a hint of flavor and what flavor they do have is reminiscent of wet garbage. To defend his honor he stated, “If you just suck them off [Spitz Seeds] then they taste the same.” At first I thought this was a come on, but realized, after I snapped out of it, he meant the seeds.

I think at some point, in the Bible, it actually mentions David’s Seeds, during the trial and tribulations with Goliath. This fact alone should show him the error of his ways and the path to hell he’s taking. I am not one to go religious, but it’s clearly another area I should explore with him. He is a lost cause, for a lot of things, but I think, given enough time, I can change his outlook on this issue. If not, I will have to look into more serious measures to force his hand. Even writing this, it’s really starting to piss me off, to a point I can barely control my anger.

I am sure I will hear the fanboys tell me how much Spitz rocks, but to that I can just wish we had a GFY button next to your comment. In fact I wish there was a GFY button on Ike’s office door. I am so riled up, right now, over these sunflower seeds. I have a right mind to go in there and force him to eat a whole bag of these gifts, bestowed upon us, by David.