Oddities

Celebrating Shark Week Part 3: Homosexuality

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Sharks have long been known to hold family values like swimming together and having frenzies together, so there is little doubt that changes in the normal family like atmosphere can shutter damn near the entire ocean. On land gay rights, gay marriage, and civil unions tend to tie up most of news. We are so involved with our own gay community that we never get to know what the gay society is in the waters and issues they face.

One constant fact is that gay sharks exist but are often eaten by heterosexual sharks soon as they find out the change in sexual status. I learned this through a man who specializes in the Sexual Orientation of Sharks (SOS) name Michael Thompson. I was delighted to have a sit down and discuss homosexuality in sharks and what is happening in the scientific realm of this disease.

2kgs: “So Michael I think the elephant in the room is obvious…are they born with it?”

Michael: “Oh God no, sharks develop this as their peers exclude them during frenzies or other activities and they are often left with female sharks while the males enjoy their heterosexual activities. How could you be born with it if it’s in your species DNA to eat, swim, and make people scared by seeing your fin break the water surface? That’s fucking ridiculous to think a badass shark could possibly be born gay.”

2kgs: “How can you tell if a shark is gay?”

Michael: “For starters you can see it in their swimming, they tend to have a slight twist to the tail when they swim like they think they are dolphins almost. Also you will see them cry more often than normal Pacific sharks. The dead give away though is when you see the two male sharks constantly rubbing their claspers together.”

2kgs: “Wow that’s an insight. So how does the heterosexual community feel about sharks that tend to skew away from the norm?”

Michael: “Well it’s pretty straight forward, the gay sharks get eaten usually right away because they aren’t as fishy tasting and tend to take their time fleeing the straight sharks. The normal sharks think that people at beaches won’t take a shark sighting seriously if a gay shark approaches so why bother keeping them in the circle. I think the majority of the shark community has little to no tolerance for the homosexuality that is starting to spread within their own ranks.”

2kgs: “Fuck that’s harsh being eaten and shit. I couldn’t imagine if we applied the same principles here for our own species, I mean I suppose some of the African tribes would appreciate it but that’s about it. So have we seen any human support for the sharks of different sexual views?”

Michael: ” Only one instance I can think of. Remember that movie Jaws? Well during casting calls they original cast of included a gay shark but later replaced after they realized he would eat people describing the task as difficult to stomach then crying on set for the better half of the day. They needed a shark that would devour human kind without batting a fin. After that gay sharks never worked in Hollywood again.”

2kgs: “Wow I had no idea, but I am glad they changed sharks out before it was too late. I don’t think I would have seen Jaws in the same light especially now that you told me that. I appreciate your time in letting us in on some of the secrets of the underwater world…[Michael and 2kgs continue on to look at photo albums of gay sharks for approximately 4 hours]

I think we can all see the obvious issues there are over this change in the waves. One shark’s intolerance is another’s burden and I am glad for organizations like SOS that are bringing these serious issues to light when our media congomerates are ignoring the fire in front of them. People should be aware of this and it’s an unfortunate thing when Shark Week doesn’t even talk about these issues for all to see. Instead they just focus on biting and swimming.

One thing we discovered through our journey was the fact that Tiger sharks are not gay, from what we know they just have to much pride to even think that way.

Level of Gay in Sharks

Sand Sharks – Report a 50% increase in gayness in the last 18 months.
Angel Sharks – Basically all gay and extinction is eminent.
Basking Shark – Gay as Fuck.
Tiger Shark – Not even an ounce of Gay.
Bonnethead Shark – The gayest shark in the universe, so even if we find shark life on other planets this shark will in fact already be gayer than their gayest shark.