How To Get A Job…If You’re An Idiot.
Hello idiot. You’re applying for a job right? Great. I have two jobs. Comedy is the job I get paid for barely. My other line of work which I get a regular paycheck for is Technical Recruiting. Basically I get companies who are hiring to use my service; helping them find the right people for their job openings. I spend 80% of my day looking at resumes. I’m a bit of an employment expert, and from what I’ve seen, you’re not. It’s not your fault really, perhaps you don’t have common sense, or the college (beauty school) you went to told you how to make a resume in a format that existed when people used to use fax machines. So let me educate you, not because I’m the helpful type, because if I see one more bad resume or speak to one more rude candidate my brains are going to start dripping out my nose and I’m going to take to the streets with an AK-47. (Note, this is very useful information, but if anyone stumbled on this article by accident that is currently on the job market, I can’t promise your sensibilities aren’t going to be insulted by reading this).
Step 1: You’re not entitled to anything, so when you talk to HR people on the phone, stop being a dick. “Hi, I sent my resume in yesterday and no one called me.” No shit, you didn’t fit the job opening. Here is an interesting bit of information for you job seekers; your resume is 1 in a pile of 200.
If you want to be more than a statistic, A) make sure you’re at least a 9 out of 10 fit for the job you are applying for, and B) when you call the HR department to get feedback on your application, make sure you come off as interested in the company and potentially excited about the opportunity, not acting like an indignant bitch (<— Comment not gender specific). HR departments keep great notes and have a decent memory, so when a job like the one you applied for opens up a month later, make sure they call you right away, not treat you like the bouncer does at the strip club who won’t let you in because last time you were there you got caught sticking your nose somewhere it shouldn’t go.
Step 2: So you’ve been applying for jobs and no one wants to interview you. Let’s take a look at your resume. First of all, is your phone number and email address on the resume? No? Well there you go. If no one can get in touch with you, they can’t interview.
Also, did you spell check your resume? You know, that thing that Microsoft Word does automatically for you? Or was your last job really “Adminatratve Asistant?” By the way, if you can’t spell Administrative Assistant, you’re probably a really shitty one.
Don’t know what a resume is supposed to look like? Google “Resume Format” and click on any of the 92.5 million results (<—- Actual Number).
Don’t know how to type or use Microsoft Word? Well…you’re probably not qualified for the job you are applying for, take a class. No seriously, if you don’t know how to use a computer there 3 types of jobs you are qualified for and 2 of them are in the sex trade, and ironically without a computer you’ll never see the finished product of your work.
Finally, if someone told you your resume should be 1 page, spit on them. Resumes used to be 1 page because you would fax them somewhere. If I am looking at your resume on Monster.com, I don’t even see page breaks, so make sure all the information that should be on there is on there, don’t cut out things that would otherwise get you hired for the sake of space.
Step 3: Interviewing is an art form and is a bit more complicated than people think. I don’t fault people for making mistakes during an interview, because a bad first impression will cost you a job. However, there are a few aspects of an interview that are common sense:
Dress appropriately for an interview. Even if the place you are interviewing everyone wears khakis and golf shirts to work, you wear a suit to the interview. Why? Because that’s what people who work there wear, you don’t work there yet do you? First Impressions are key. Also, wear deodorant for that exact same reason. I once sent a guy in for an interview who wore a red shirt, green slacks, yellow tie. If you dress like a clown, people are not going to hire you, unless you are interviewing to make balloon animals at a children’s birthday party. (Side note, Birthday Clowns aren’t even doing well these days because they have Robot Birthday Clowns, however the only balloon animals they can make are the numbers 0 and 1 over and over again).
Also, unless you’re at a comedy audition, don’t make jokes. Chances are the person interviewing you doesn’t have a sense of humor. Actually come to think of it, that also true at comedy auditions…Either way, an amusing story about your previous employer or job will probably make you look like someone who wants to be the office cut-up, not the guy who does his job.
Step 4: In my line of work, it shocks me how many people shoot themselves in the foot after an interview when they would have otherwise been hired. There are 100 ways you can fuck up post interview, here is some advice.
If you’re on drugs, don’t take the drug test. You’re going to fail. More so, there becomes a record that you failed a drug test. Instead, call the employer, thank them for their time, and let them know that you received another offer than you cannot pass on. If handled right, you won’t burn a bridge, and you won’t have an FBI file on you. Same goes if you have a documented history of being a sex offender. If it’s not documented, you should be fine.
Do NOT decide after the interview you want more money. Why? Because someone who is just as good as you will take the amount of money you said you would accept originally. Just because you’re a good fit for a job doesn’t mean you have leverage over anybody, get over yourself toolbox. Also, you’re unemployed, stop being a greedy shit. If you weren’t interested in the job at that price, you shouldn’t have showed up for the interview. You’re a dick tease in a bar; and we talked to you because we liked your miniskirt, you let us buy you a few drinks, and ended up going home with some other company at the end of the night. Interview-whore.
So there are some tips. In all seriousness, if anyone does have any questions about job searching / interviewing / resumes I would be happy to answer them. I’ll give you good information and be less of a dick about it, this article was just the direct result of me talking to 10 really dumb people in a row at work. And the tight asses here wouldn’t let me make a drinking game out of it just because if you get caught drunk at work 3 times you get fired…