It’s time for 4th of July, American style in just a day. I couldn’t be happier to celebrate the festive holiday and get drunk in honor of the men and men that died for the freedom from the taxing assholes of Britain. I think we can be thankful that we are hardly taxed anymore and finally have solid representation in Washington for what little taxes we do pay. I can finally sleep well at night knowing we won all the way around. I plan on starting my 4th with a breakfast of Wheaties and whiskey like they did back in 1776. Those motherfuckers were baddass and I am going to ensure I make my day just the way they would want it to be.
After a hearty breakfast I am going grab a shower then head down to the local beach for a huge celebration on the back of my pickup truck (just like George Washington would of had if he were alive today) and start the beach BBQ. Nothing says winning like a good BBQ and heterosexual intercourse. I won’t be doing that at the beach though, just the BBQ part.
The beach is just the interlude for my 4th celebration. The real celebration is with tons of illegal fireworks, because they didn’t have a law in 1776 against them and I am celebrating then, not now. Obviously, this is where intercourse comes in. Nothing beats illegal fireworks and sex, Unless you have illegal fireworks, sex, and booze. That’s like the trifecta of celebrating the 4th in style.
The 4th of July would not be complete though without those awesome cupcakes with the red, white, and blue sprinkles and some serious sparklers. Of course the sparklers are for the kids, not grown men. Instead the men will have a duel with bottle rockets, the way they were meant to be used. Later in the even we will get drunk from all the whiskey and beer, and more than likely fend ourselves from my gay friend Steve. He is aggressive to say the least, but a little celebration gets him a little extra frisky if you know what I mean. We are not all to scared of him though since he is South Korea and only packing an average 3.5″ penis. The worst he can do is tickle us a bit, but that doesn’t mean we are open to experimentation.
I know I went on a few tangents, but what I was trying to say was HAPPY 4th of JULY to all the Americans out there reading this. If you are not American then please stop reading this right now, and turn your computer off and don’t celebrate anything.
Ok now that the non-Americans are not reading this, I just want to say let’s get drunk as fuck and remember what our forefathers did for us you assholes!