Author Archive
An Asshole’s Explanation of Politics: The Basics
I was born in 1982 so I’ve voted in 3 Presidential Elections. I only took the time to pay attention to issues in the most recent, 2008 election. I was much happier in 2000 and 2004 when I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. Today I get into two completely separate types [...]
The Best of Twitter 12-15
For those of you not nerdy enough to be on twitter, this is an opportunity for me to educate you on the hilarious nonsense you’re missing. Sure, for most people it may be a time vacuum that serves as nothing but a vessel for you to waste time at work, however for Comedians & Writers [...]
Internet Dating Will Breed Generations of Shitty Children
We live in a world where technology is growing at neck break speeds, and innovation has left industries in the dust. Wrist watch sales have plummeted since the creation of the cellular phone, the pornography industry has had to adapt to producing strictly internet content instead of the glory days of glory holes in actual [...]
The Best of Twitter: 12-7
For those of you not nerdy enough to be on twitter, this is an opportunity for me to educate you on the hilarious nonsense you’re missing. Sure, for most people it may be a time vacuum that serves as nothing but a vessel for you to waste time at work, however for Comedians & Writers [...]
A Mind-Reader’s Transcript of My Last Blind Date
Recently I was out on a blind date with a woman I met on match.com. That’s right, I date women I meet on the internet. Don’t pretend you’re better than me; you spend your free time reading this bullshit. I however hired a professional mind reader to follow us around for the night; here are [...]
The Best Of Twitter: 11-30
For those of you not nerdy enough to be on twitter, this is an opportunity for me to educate you on the hilarious nonsense you’re missing. Sure, for most people it may be a time vacuum that serves as nothing but a vessel for you to waste time at work, however for Comedians & Writers [...]
Advice from a Functional Alcoholic: Part 1
To my dearest lightweights, it is time to stop embarrassing yourself and embrace who you are becoming, part of the 1 in 3 American adults who abuse alcohol. As a seasoned veteran of inebriation, I like to reach out to my community and help, by starting a new feature called “Advice from a Functional Alcoholic.” [...]
Dear Girlfriends & Wives: Yes, We Love Modern Warfare 3 More Than You
Does this sound familiar? “Ever since this game came out you just sit here and stare at the TV with your little headset on. Who are you talking to anyway? I think you love that game more than you love me.” Well ladies, I’m here to help you out. The answer is yes… yes we [...]
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