Alcohol

Advice from a Functional Alcoholic: Part 1

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To my dearest lightweights, it is time to stop embarrassing yourself and embrace who you are becoming, part of the 1 in 3 American adults who abuse alcohol.  As a seasoned veteran of inebriation, I like to reach out to my community and help, by starting a new feature called “Advice from a Functional Alcoholic.”   Today’s lesson: how to appear sober.  The most obvious giveaway to letting the world know your drunk is the way you move be it on your feet or behind the wheel of a car.  Here are some tips that have served me well.

Step 1) Always Walk with a cane:  Yes losing your balance is a sure fire way to blow your cover.  I recommend walking with a cane at all times.  It gives you a third leg of support and you cut down on the percentage of time you will lose your balance.  Furthermore, when you do eventually lose your balance, no one will question that because they will assume you’re handicap.  The cane is important, and should not be substituted with crutches.  Mostly because with crutches, people are more inclined to ask “what happened?” at which point you are going to have give them a story, a difficult task while drunk.  A cane implies a physical handicap, or a much more devastating long term injury, both subjects people would be more nervous to ask about.

Step 2) Drive between the thumbs: When driving the best giveaway to letting other motorists and the police know you are intoxicated is by swerving lanes.  Here is a great tip to avoid that.  When you learned to drive, you always learned to keep your hands at 10 and 2.  When you are driving drunk, be sure to do the same, and then stick your thumbs straight up in the air, so you are giving two big thumbs up.  Once driving, be sure that your left thumb and right thumbs are lined up perfectly with the lines on the road, your left thumb with the line to your left, and your right thumb with the line to the right, and simply drive between the thumbs.  Side Note: In the rare event you do get pulled over, keep a bottle of liquor in your car, and immediately hop out of your car and drink it in front of the police officer.  If he watches you do it, there is no way he can prove you were drunk before you drank that bottle.

Step 3) Speak Slow & Control Your Face: Talking is one of the biggest enemy’s to any drunk.  Be sure that when you are early in your evening, say 12 beers in, make sure when you speak to people you speak slower than you usually would.  This way, once you finish your normal 30 drink routine, you are speaking the exact same way you were when they met you.  In addition, drunks have a nasty habit of looking like all the muscles in their face turned off.  You will need to control this.  I recommend buying a 30 pack and practicing in the mirror.  Worse case, you can always claim to have some sort of palsy, which will go along with the cane.

Those are some quick tips.  In upcoming lessons we will cover more advanced problems, like how to attend lectures drunk, going out on dates drunk, and finally, family reunions.

 

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