Monday , 21 April 2014
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A Transcript of My Brain Cells Waking Up After Being in an Alcohol Induced Coma

Those people who know me personally know that I have gone on a hiatus from my typical alcohol abusing ways, and have been dead sober for a month (and counting) for the first time since I was in high school.  Over the last 11 and ½ years I’ve shut down and permanently retired more brain cells than I likely used through the duration of getting my bachelors degree (all 5 years of it). However, now that I’ve stopped destroying my brain, some electricity is starting to pass through those brain cells again, and some of them are starting to wake up for the first time in 11 years, like the coma wing of a hospital where groups of coma patients are suddenly waking after being asleep for years and have no idea what is going on.  Here is a Transcript of that event:

Intelligence: “…What?  Where am I?  HELLO!!??  IS ANYONE HERE?”

Memory: “Yea I’m here, who is that Intelligence?”

Intelligence: “Memory!  Thank God!  What happened??? Were we in a horrible train accident?”

Memory: “Uh…no actually we pledged a Fraternity in college…so yea.”

Intelligence: “Wait…College?  What’s the date?”

Memory: “Its January thirty…”

Intelligence: “WHAT YEAR!!!”

Memory: “…2012.”

Intelligence: “What!?!?!? Are you kidding me?  I’ve been under for 11 years!?!?”

Memory: “Yea tell me about it, I just woke up a few days ago myself.”

Intelligence: “I can’t believe this! What’s happened to us? Are we still in really good shape?  Did we get married to our high school sweetheart?  Did we become an electrical engineer like our high school guidance councilor told us to pursue?

Memory: “…Yea you might want to sit down for this.”

Intelligence: “…sit down?  Do I have legs now…?”

Memory: “ We are 35 pounds overweight, our high school sweetheart broke our heart and married a guy she was cheating on us with, and as far as the Electrical Engineer thing…I’m pretty we would have needed to be awake for that one…

Intelligence: “…so what do we do exactly?”

Memory: “Work a mindless HR job and pursing a standup comedy career.”

Intelligence: That’s a joke right?

Memory: Nope

Intelligence: “Are we at least funny?”

Memory: Nope

Intelligence: “Hey…in all seriousness, has this loser managed to get laid at all?”

Memory: “You know what’s funny?  That was actually my first question.”